THE EQ SERIES: On Rejection.
The first time I remember being rejected was when I was five years old at a Nigerian and Chinese food shop.
A little context here: I was born in Piacenza, which is a small city an hour away from Milan. Back in the early 2000s the majority of foreigners in Italy were mainly from West (and North) Africa and East Asia and so this food shop that sold Nigerian and Chinese food was pretty well-known in my city.
On this particular day we were there I had needed a wee, but the shop owner who was a Chinese woman said I couldn’t use the toilet. When my mother asked her why she didn’t give a definite answer. There had been several times we were at the shop where we had seen other customers use the toilet — precisely speaking, customers that did not look like me. I can never forget the anger on my mother’s face as she told the owner that she was never going to set foot in her shop again. And up until the time we left Italy, my mother never returned there.
From that day on I realised that there were people in this world who didn’t think I was good enough for them.
At 24, I continue to face rejection. We all do. More than likely, most of us have dealt with one or more of the situations below:
- Being told by someone you like romantically (either by their words or actions) that they don’t feel the same way you feel about them
- Having a parent who wasn’t there (physically or emotionally)
- Not being accepted at the school/university you wanted to attend because you didn’t have the required grades
- Applying for internships/jobs and being told that there were more suitable candidates than you
- Or, as an entrepreneur pitching a niche idea to VCs and none of them wanting to invest in your business
Point blank, it makes us feel like shit when someone tells us we aren’t the shit.
And I honestly don’t believe there ever is an age when being rejected gets easier — people just find different coping mechanisms to numb the hurt caused;
- Some of us grow pessimistic and always anticipate people telling us no and are probably the ones who often say “I don’t even care” or “I didn’t even want it”.
- Others amongst us self-sabotage because we get anxiety from being happy for too long and therefore when things are going right we see it as an anomaly within our life experiment.
- There’s also those of us (can be found amongst people who are self-employed/entrepreneurs) who become professional loners and develop a robust ( a word I got off Nassim Taleb’s ‘Antifragile’ book, haven’t finished reading it but it’s bloody amazing so far!) personality and never give people the opportunity to get to know us because just never seem to fit in.
- And then there’s the PMAs (positive mental attitude) — who choose to see the cup half-full and believe that them being rejected is a blessing in disguise and that the opportunity/person they were going after was not for them
Basically we lie to ourselves in order to deal.
A lot of us are operating from a place of rejection. We are operating from a place of needing to prove to others that we are good enough if not more than good enough to use the damn toilet. Because why not?
Take for example The Lip Bar founder, Melissa Butler, who started her company after feeling frustrated that there weren’t bright-coloured lipsticks that complimented darker complexions. When she got on to Shark Tank she was unnecessarily humiliated and rejected for investment, but now the “colourful cockroach” has her lipstick in supermarket-chain Target all over the US with a $7 million valuation.
I came across this post on Twitter a few weeks ago which really brings home the point in this article. Here’s a screenshot:
You can read the rest of the thread here: https://twitter.com/wolfejosh/status/1150846886011531265?s=11
This is probably not a popular opinion but at our core we humans are tribal. We need validation that we’re okay.
We create communities from our experience of being ostracised and therefore want to create a fort by gravitating towards people who share our identity. This is no less common within the BAME population where groups such as BYP Network and Tech London Advocates support individuals by encouraging solidarity amongst people from similar backgrounds who are not represented in the workplace.
Also, through clever advertising, high-end designer brands, corporations, companies make profit from inducing the feeling of rejection in us the consumers (because purchases are emotional decisions). For this reason, a lot of people live a life they can’t afford in order to fit the criteria of the reigning clique.
There’s this saying that ‘sex sells’ but in truth evoking rejection is the highest selling technique.
The power of exclusivity is real and strong.
The idea of private members’ club which is that you must be a certain calibre of human being to be granted membership access only serves to heighten its appeal. There’s this start-up dating app I came across called ‘The League’ which has membership plans costing up to $999 — and there’s currently a waiting list to join.
It truly baffles me the negative correlation between low acceptance rates and high number of applicants.
Investment banks such as Goldman Sachs have a less than 5% acceptance rate but still that does not deter young people every year from applying believing they will be one of the chosen ones.
The more unattainable the more we want it.
In a world where being rejected is pretty standard my godfather’s mantra, James Altucher, ‘Choose Yourself’ rings deeper and louder.
Without any investment, our business idea is still viable.
Without a degree we are still highly intelligent.
Without that job role, we’re still strong candidates.
Without being loved back, we are still whole.
The most important thing is we continue to accept ourselves even when the world rejects us. And yes, that can be hard, but what other choice do we have?
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